A few days ago I posted Window Pain, a blog discussing why I share transparently about what I am dealing with. In it, I referenced how I have been experiencing several triggers which showed me that I had more healing to do than I thought because I had not been walking around feeling sad, angry, or wounded. I just kept getting hit unexpectedly with situations that triggered strong responses.
I learned several years ago that when God allows you to see what is really going on, it is time to take action. There was a time in my life when I would let my emotions bully me and dictate how my day or really how my life was going to be. However through counseling and walking with God I know that I don’t have to live that way. I don’t have to be a victim of my own emotions. I don’t have to be afraid to face the world because of the memories that may come up. I can be free to enjoy my life no matter what happened yesterday or the day before.
So, after experiencing at least three triggers signaling that I had some emotional trauma I knew I had to do something immediately. I reached out to my friend, the wonderful Zari Banks who has a powerful deliverance ministry. We set a 5am appointment for this past Friday and went to work.
What amazes me is how simple and available God’s healing is for us. If we believe and are willing to do what He says, there is nothing good that is withheld from us. Zari explained to me that I needed to submit all those things that had been done to me to the Holy Spirit. When she began talking, I questioned internally, “Haven’t I done that?” But I realized I hadn’t specifically done that, because my emotions had previously been so under control. Sure I have been praying and walking with God through this entire ordeal, but I hadn’t specifically prayed about everything that was hurting me because I really didn’t think I was hurting. It wasn’t until I started running into these situations that triggered the trauma when I realized there was some deep hurt and anger going on within me that needed to be addressed.
The first time I attended church after my marriage was over, I was angry. I wanted to leave. I felt judgmental of the worship leaders. Why? Because it reminded me of one of the many ways I had been betrayed. Whenever someone questioned me about my financial plans or talked to me about stability, I felt rage – why? Because I was still really angry about the things I have experienced in my marriage. On a regular basis, I didn’t constantly think about these things, so they seemed to be non-issues.
This is where things could be really tricky. Don’t allow the fact that you seem to be fine on a day-to-day basis prevent you from receiving the healing you need. If you experience any emotional triggers like I’ve described, pay attention to that and seek support. Don’t just brush it off because you usually seem “fine.” Whatever we don’t allow to become healed in our lives, continues to attract more of the same. That’s why you see patterns of abuse in people’s lives. If you haven’t fully healed and forgiven those who have hurt you, you will likely attract more abuse into your life and you don’t want that.
When I was on the call with Zari, I remembered that several weeks ago I had a dream where God showed me my journal and in it was a list of all the things I suffered in my marriage. When I woke up I made the list in that same journal. I thought God wanted me to make the list so that I wouldn’t be tricked into staying for more abuse. Now, it became clear that I needed to make the list so that I could confess my anger over all those things to God and submit those things to Him so He could heal me.
There are some very ugly things on that list that I didn’t even really want to think about because it could be enough to make me act all the way out of character and I really didn’t want to revisit that type of rage and anger in my life. However, when Zari and I began to pray, I poured all those things out to God, even the ugliest and most shameful things on the list. I cried like I have never cried before over this situation. I told God how angry I was and I submitted it all to Him. By the time I got through my list I felt such a peace come over me. I knew that because I had submitted all the ugliness to God, that those things are now squarely behind me. They are firmly in the past now. This is not an ongoing situation. What was done is done, and it is not still being done to me. It’s over. I’m free.
God released so much love and restoration over me in the moments following my confession. Really all throughout the day yesterday, He ministered to me, answered prayers, and reminded me of His promises.
Now I can go through the process of learning more deeply who I am in God and what Love really looks like in a relationship between a man and a woman. My past does not inform me about relationships because that information is false. I can trust again. I don’t have to fear being used or abused. I am now hidden in God and therefore protected from any relationships that would bring harm to me.
My challenge to you is to Take Action and Pursue Your Healing.
It is not enough to want to be healed. It is not enough to be tired of what you are going through. You must get in action and you must be willing to be vulnerable at least in front of God, being completely honest about how you feel. He can handle it. I strongly recommend that you seek prayer for deliverance – Zari Banks is on my speed dial for that. (www.zaribanks.co)
I also recommend counseling to help you in your process of restoration, even after deliverance. Counseling has helped me deal with trauma as well as rediscover my core values and what is really important to me after spending so much time in situations that compromised my identity and caused me to be out of touch with what really mattered.
You are worth every effort to be totally free.
More to come. Much, much more.
