Several years ago, I learned that the only way to escape the anxiety, anger, and depression that I experienced every day was to break free from my past. The process of breaking free involves continually feeding your spirit by forgiving yourself, erasing doubt about who you are and what you are capable of, exposing the weaknesses that sometimes trip you up, and doing the things that will build you up. One of the hardest things in life can be to forgive others and surprisingly, to forgive yourself. Rabbi Joshua Liebman said “We achieve inner health only through forgiveness – the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves.”
For a long time I walked around burdened with guilt and shame because of my past and the things I struggled with. Most people were not privy to my private struggles, however, I felt like everyone could see my sins written across my forehead and that God was angry and disappointed with me. When my husband and I first start dating I experienced so many emotions, thinking that folks would judge me because he was a minister. I thought they wouldn’t accept me being with him because of my past. I’ll never forget that one day I was imagining scenarios where others would judge me and not accept me and I was actually telling them off in my head saying things like, “Who do you think you are? I am a child of God, I am forgiven and you are no better than I am.”
I was practicing this argument in my head one afternoon and God stopped me right there in my tracks. He asked me if I really believed that or was I trying to convince myself. I fell to my knees right there in my living room like OH MY GOD. I was so worried about what other people were thinking but the truth was, I was still judging myself! I was the one saying I wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t worthy. I was still ashamed of my past.
We hold ourselves hostage when we do not forgive ourselves. We feel unworthy of love and happiness. One way you can tell is that when others throw your past in your face or treat you badly, you accept it because somehow you think that is what you deserve.
The truth is that every one of us is deserving of love but when we withhold forgiveness from ourselves we actually cut ourselves off from love. The only person I know of in this life who did everything perfectly was Jesus Christ. Hebrews 8:12 says that God forgives our sins and remembers them no more. If God can forgive us, then we can stop holding ourselves to these impossible standards. No matter what you may have done, no matter what you may have experienced, you are worthy of living a good life.
In what areas are you judgmental of yourself? Where are you withholding forgiveness from yourself and possibly cutting yourself off from a good life of love, joy, and peace? Write those areas down. Acknowledge that you have made mistakes but you did the best you could have done with what you had at the time. Thank God for your life, thank Him for the lessons you have learned, and forgive yourself. You can say an affirmation or prayer like this:
“God, I acknowledge that I have engaged in relationships and activities that were not good for me. I have decided to completely turn away from those activities and I ask for your forgiveness. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of love and that it is human to make mistakes. Just as you have forgiven me, I forgive myself. I am moving on from here for a life of love, peace, and joy. Amen.”
